american jokes about canada

american jokes about canada
american jokes about canada


Each year, during the first week of April, the Native Canadians would wake up at sunrise and repeat their chant over and over. They repeated this powerful chant primarily for three very important reasons:

1. To ensure that their crops are bountiful and will keep them and their families fed all year;

2. To ward off harm/evil;

3. And gain great wisdom. It goes like this:

Oooooh waaaaah (pause)

Taaaaa foooooo (pause)

Lie aaaammmm (pause)

Now repeat it without the pause.

As you repeat it more often and more quickly, its message becomes clear and you will become wise! Try it. It works very well and very quickly!!!

50°F - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat. Canadians plant gardens.

40°F - Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians sunbathe.

35°F - Italian cars won't start. Canadians drive with the windows down.

32°F - Distilled water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.

20°F - Floridians wear coats, gloves & wool hats. Canadians throw on a t-shirt.

15°F - Californians begin to evacuate the state. Canadians go swimming.

0°F - New York landlords finally turn up the heat. Canadians have the last cook-out before it gets cold.

-10°F - People in Miami cease to exist. Canadians lick flag poles to see if their tongue will stick.

-20°F - Californians fly away to Mexico. Canadians throw on a light jacket.

-40°F - Hollywood disintegrates. Canadians rent some videos.

-60°F - Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides begin selling cookies door to door.

-80°F - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica. Canadian Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough.

-100°F - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173°F - Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-297°F - Microbial life survives on dairy products. Canadian cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

-460°F - ALL atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

-500°F - Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

A guy sitting was at an airport bar and noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, Wow, she is so gorgeous, she must be a flight attendant.

So he decides to scoot towards her and try to pick her up, but couldn't think of a pick up line.

After thinking for a while, he turns towards her and says, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself, Oh crap, she mustn't fly for Delta.

So he thinks of something else and says, "Something special in the air?"

She gives him the same confused look. He thinks, Damn! She must not fly for American.

So next he says, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies."

When suddenly the woman, irritated beyond belief with this guy, barks out, "Man, what the hell do you want?"

The man in a relieved voice says "Ahhh, Air Canada."

An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.

The terrorist leader said: "Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about."

The Englishman replied: "I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown."

The Canadian replied: "Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity."

The American replied: "Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking."

A Scotsman was visiting a museum of natural history in Canada when he came upon a huge stuffed bull moose with enormous antlers.

Surprised, he exclaimed in his Scottish burr, "Woots that!?"

When told by the curator that is was a moose, he replied, "If that's a moose, I'd hate to see your caats!"

So, what do Canadians have to be proud of?

1. Smarties

2. Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp

3. The size of our football fields and one less down

4. Baseball is Canadian

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers' ass

10. Tim Horton’s kicks Dunkin' Donuts' ass

11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied ... Go figure...

12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population that never, ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.

14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.

15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.

16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.

22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

BUT MOST IMPORTANT!

23. ....the handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

OOOOoohhhhh Canada!!

Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day.

A Canadian is someone who drinks Brazilian coffee from an English teacup and munches a French pastry while sitting on their Danish furniture having just come home from an Italian movie in their German car.

He/She picks up their Japanese pen and writes to their Member of Parliament to complain about the American take-over of the Canadian publishing business.

The Spanish Conquistadores were making a map of their colonies (they owned all of America, South and North). They started drawing in the lines from down south - territory they knew well - and worked their way up.

Everything was going fine until they got to the New York area. "Hey, what's up there?" the map maker asked the governor, pointing to the vast emptiness above the Great Lakes.

The governor answered: "Here? (in Spanish: "Aca?"). Nothing (in Spanish: "Nada").

Hence the great blank emptiness became known as ACA-NADA, or in English, "There ain't nothin' here."

Which, as anyone who has lived in Canada will testify, is pretty darned close to the truth. Eh?

There once was an Ontarian who's life long dream it was to be a Newfie. One day, the man finally got the guts to go and see his doctor about it. The doctor examined him and gave him the prognosis, "Well, if you really want to be a Newfie there is a surgery I can perform, but I have to remove 1/3 of your brain." The Ontarian was so excited, he agreed to do it right away.

During the surgery however, the doctor's hand slipped. The doctor was so upset that he sat next to the man in the recovery room until he woke up. Finally the Ontarian woke up. The doctor immediately explain what happened, and told the Ontarian, "I am so sorry sir, my hand slipped during the surgery and I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain instead of 1/3."

The Ontarian looked confused and replied "Que ce que vous dit monsuier?"

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